Thursday, May 21, 2009

A Little Rod Stewart Confusion

Now before I go on...telling this tale of childhood confusion, I wanna warn folks...that a certain word...will be used, more than once in this...that word is, nigger. If it offends thee...close the page...go elsewhere on the Internet...go look at donkey porn...I don't care...just don't come crying to me.

Circa 1983, our next door neighbors son [who died from AIDS, a little while back], had a poster of Rod Stewart on his bedroom wall...[maybe that should have been a red flag...I mean, of all things to have a poster of on your wall in the 80's, when your a lad...I can see Farrah Fawcett or Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman, or even KISS...but, Rod Stewart]...just sayin'.

One afternoon, whilst in his bedroom, playing with some Star Wars figures. I noticed this poster...hanging on the wall, stuck up there with tape...above the headboard. I didn't really think anything of it at the time...but later, I got up to look at it more closely...and there, at the ballpoint pen...somebody had scrawled... "NIGGERS STINK"...right upon Rod's crotchial region. Rod was clad in red leather pants, a white peasants blouse and was accompanied by his band in the poster...all of them, in sexy pouting rockstar poses.

I am surprised now...that I could even read those words, let alone...the fact that I knew who Rod Stewart the tender young age of 9...but I could and did.

For years, afterwards...until I started getting into music...I just assumed that what I had read was part of the poster...I had assumed that Rod Stewart, must have been openly racist...and had released an album entitled..."Niggers Stink"...and that everyone just overlooked that little tidbit, and he was this huge mega-star despite it. Hold on, can you imagine the audacity and gall it would take to do something like that...he'd be a ball-licking disgrace...he'd be spraying bowling shoes somewhere in Scotland.

Then, in 5th or 6th grade, I first heard the old urban legend about Rod collapsing on stage [from a kid named Todd MacMillan...who was your typical dumbass 80's rocker dude...jean jacket with resin stains on the sleeves, and a Goodie comb in his back pocket]...and being rushed to the hospital, where they discovered and extracted 2 gallons of semen from his stomach. This was also, just about the time when I heard about that mysterious girl that nobody ever knew personally, who stuck a hot dog up her twazzer, at the lunchtable...and broke it, as far as I am concerned today, that kinda girl is marryin' material.

Anyway...I thought..."What the fuck?!"..."This guy puts out an album called "Niggers Stink"...and then takes a nose dive on stage because he's cum drunk...this is fuckin' nuts!"...he's either the ballsiest son of a bitch that's ever lived...or he's some kind of mental deficient...that needs to be locked away.

Well, of course...eventually I grew up, and figured it all out...that it was physically impossible for Rod Stewart, singer of the hit song "Maggie Mae" have 2 gallons of semen in his stomach, and that he never released an LP called "Niggers Stink". He wouldn't be performing today, if he had. And plus, that record would be one of the most notorious collectors albums of all would be auction it would sell for 6 billion would have been recalled, hunted like a witch and destroyed in a mass burnings, all over the world...people would have fled from the smoke that the melting vinyl generated...because they wouldn't have wanted to inhale it's black smoke of hatred and persecution.

A few years later, I heard that they had found 2 gallons of semen in the stomach of Jon Bon-Jovi...I'm not gonna argue with that one.

Uncle Roy...

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