Memories of "The Outhouse"

Many moons ago...myself and one of my longtime compatriots attended a punk rock show down at the "world famous" Outhouse, in Lawrence, Kansas. The Outhouse had given stage to some of the bigger bands in underground music, at one time or another...to name a few...Nirvana, Sonic Youth, Bad Brains, The Jesus Lizard, L7, The Melvins, Primus and many, many others.

I never saw the heyday of The Outhouse, when bands like this played there...the majority of the ones I saw...were towards the end of it's music venue incarnation...it's last gasp for air...oddly enough..it would later be sold, and become a very skanky BYOB strip club...which it is currently.

The Outhouse, for lack of better description was a cinder block garage, in the middle of nowhere. The toilets only worked part of the time, if they hadn't been smashed all together...[seems I recall pissin' into an old pop machine, behind the building]. There was no security, very little lighting...it was out of jurisdiction for Lawrence police, so underage drinking was a staple. With no authority it was the perfect place to have a no-holds barred punk rock or metal show...with as much chaos you could to muster.

The main attraction of the place, was "the beam"...which was basically a steel ceiling girder that ran parallel to the stage...across the entire length of the building...kids would grab this beam and swing from it, over the crowd...kicking each other in the heads.

It had been raining a lot, the prior few days...so the Outhouse had about 4 inches of muddy water on the floor...there were electrical lines running it...a real hazard...kids were playing in it, splashing it all over each other...the lights were flashing on and off...the sound was fucked up...but, the show went on.The show in question...was a doozey, by Kansas City standards...Cretin 66, The Bubble Boys, Black Label, and some others...I don't remember.

During the show, I went outside for some reason...and see these 3 guttersnipe kids jumping up and down on my car [the late great '86 Buick Skylark, which I sold to a scrapyard for 60 bucks, after the block cracked...to buy weed...shame ;)]. They were kicking in the fenders and doors. Some big fat-fuck teenage skinhead, was jumping up and down on the hood, so hard...that the wing-nut that held the blower cover on, went through the hood. Still today, I can clearly remember what these fucks looked like...well, at least 2 of them...one was a tall, skinny kid...with a spiked belt and a black stocking cap, and the other was this great big mushy-assed faggot...wearing a wife-beater and red suspenders.

I shouted..."Hey, what the fuck!!!"...they just kind of glared at me, and scampered off, giggling...like fucking rats...snickering, fucking little shit-ass rats...It really didn't matter that much to me...in fact, it struck me as funny..."The Mighty Skylark" [named Edna...after Edna Garrett from The Facts of Life], was what you would call a "Party-Mobile"...it had been through Hell, and back...covered with stickers...it had many mechanical issues...many dents, lots o' rust, stains, scratches...hell, it even had a few "real" bullet holes in it...not the stick on kind, mind you...she looked like shit...but, she was reliable...not unlike The Millenium Falcon.

I went in to tell my buddy, what I had just observed...we then devised a plan of retaliation...a simple, plan...but effective.

These kids had arrived to the show...in one of their parents car...it was a big off- white Cadillac, with a cloth top...a very nice car...that they had sadly, left the windows down on. My pal and I, crept over to their car...me on one side, him on the other...we unzipped our trousers...whipped out our offending members...and let it go...all over the door handles, all over the seats, the dash, the steering wheel...everywhere...I had a full bladder of some shitty, cheap-ass beer...all of which, I left in the front seat of daddy's caddy. I hope they had fun cleaning that up...or hopefully, they never realized what had happened...and it got real foul in there. One day daddy's driving to work, when he starts to notice that aromatic scent of slightly used Natty Light permeating from the interior...and later, returns home to jump in juniors ass. Ah, revenge is sweet...but, it's all the more sweeter with the great taste of Old Milwaukee's Best.

After this...the bands played on...it seems that I recall the power going out a few times. When it came time to leave, I found that The Mighty Skylark, was mired in the muck...and when I set to stomping the gas...my wheels only dug in deeper. Just then a few friendly, saintly punk rock fellers offered to give me a push. As they positioned themselves behind the car, and began to push with all their might...I laid into to that gas...like a hungry prison dyke lays into fresh fish...and showered them with mud and shit. All I remember seeing in the rear view mirror as I peeled away...was 3 punks, who now resembled...Pygmy Mud-Men.

Uncle Roy...